The baby that wasn’t ours…

Three Christmases ago, we were excitedly waiting to hear if a little boy would be our son. The situation was perfect for us in a lot of ways. We had a boy name picked out, and I wondered out loud if this boy would be our son. I bought a onesie for our son, and I told myself that it was ok to buy for our future child even if this child wasn’t him. I remember being so excited and wanting to tell our family. But, we hadn’t been chosen or even asked to talk to the expectant mother. There wasn’t really anything to celebrate. We’d been down this road before, and we didn’t want our families to be as disappointed as we had been. That boy would not be our son. It was disappointing not to be picked. Again.

But, we could never have guessed that we would be chosen to parent a little girl less than a month later. And that the whirlwind of parenthood would soon begin.

I sometimes wonder how close we were to living a different path with a different child. It’s humbling and terrifying all rolled up into one. Our little E is amazing, and I can’t imagine a life where she isn’t ours to love on. I think of that little boy from time to time. I wonder where he is and hope he’s happy and healthy.

To the waiting, hopeful parents, the wait IS hard. There are no guarantees. And no matter what path you’ve chosen, I hope that you get to live the dream, even if it isn’t the one you dreamed yourself. Thinking of you especially now during the holidays when everything can feel like a reminder of what you don’t have. We’ve walked the walk. You are not alone.

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NIAW 2020-Day 5

Today is the last photo challenge day of National Infertility Awareness Week. The theme, Show Your Resolve, kind of threw me off for a minute. I didn’t feel like I had resolved anything related to infertility.

Our childlessness was resolved through adoption. We did become parents. To be able to adopt in a healthy way, we needed to mourn that we would never have a genetic child. And, we did. I also had to mourn that I would never carry a child. I feel like I mourned that connection with a child, but maybe didn’t fully mourn the missed experiences. I would never be able to relate to pregnancy complaints, cravings, nesting, labor, birthing, breastfeeding, etc.

My feelings are often discounted. “You didn’t miss anything.” “Pregnancy is horrible.” “You got a child the easy way.”

Nothing about our journey has been easy!

Emotionally. Physically. Financially. It’s been different. But, not “easy.”

In many ways, I’d be ok not experiencing pregnancy. To miss out on those shared experiences, but I have not resolved myself to being the mother to only one child. I want to be the mother to at least 2 children (more, if possible). That’s the pain I carry around.

As we continue to pursue embryo adoption, we hope to have a shorter wait time and less expense to achieving the family we’ve always imagined. Pregnancy is just the cherry on top to growing our family. COVID-19 will more than likely delay our dreams, but they won’t be canceling them.

The moment has come…

Wow! I’ve been unintentionally quiet. The medicine I’m taking makes me so tired, and motivation is hard to come by. We transferred our last donor embryo, Pumbaa, two weeks ago. Today,

Who loves This is Us? Hates it?

I was really hesitate to start watching the first season, because shows tend to get so much wrong with adoption. But, I was hearing a lot of good things, so I wanted to give it a try. We ended up watching it after Emma joined our family last year, and I cried almost every episode. There were a lot of painful (but, thought-provoking) things to watch as an adoptive mother. The show is a portrayal of one family, but I connected with it even when I didn’t always agree with each character’s decisions and actions. I’m looking at you, Rebecca! I do wonder how some of those actions are viewed by people with zero first hand experience with adoption.

We’re currently binge watching the second and third seasons before the fourth season airs later this month. So excited!

Hopefulness…

As the days pass, my hopefulness is coming back and dominating my emotions. This is typical. At least for me. It’s more a pattern at this point. One I haven’t

Missed you…

We took a mini vacation last weekend, and much to my surprise, we had NO coverage and spotty WiFi. So, I didn’t get to update y’all at all. 😢

A lot of my “fertility challenged sisters” have been checking on me. I really appreciate each and every one of them. Many of them know the journey we’ve chosen. And, they know better than anyone what may lie ahead.

Many have asked if I will do a home pregnancy test before the blood test on Thursday. I don’t plan to test. I knew being out of town would help with the eagerness. I have tested in the past, but it was a rabbit hole I didn’t want to try this time. So, I know as much as y’all!

Our fertility doctor’s office is out of town, so we are opting to have my bloodwork done locally. This means our results will be delayed until some time Friday. We plan to share the good/bad news with our families at some point on Friday or Saturday followed by sharing here.

Oh, where to begin…

I had the first of my two biopsies yesterday. I expect we won’t find out the results until tomorrow at the earliest. The fertility doctor was so nice and walked me through everything. We had a good laugh about several different things, and she has a way of putting me at ease. The pain was significant but short lived. And, the cramping she promised afterward was thankfully mild.

So, I walked out of the office thinking I got this. I had been nervous about the procedure, but I was really proud of myself. I was excited to spend the rest of the day with Emma and her Godmother. We were going to have a girl’s day! It was all fun and games until about 30 minutes into our car ride home, and Emma vomited for the first time ever. Sure, she spit up plenty as a baby. But, throw up? No. And, she proceeded to throw up 5 more times on the car ride home. Emma’s Godmother earned herself a medal for sure. She was a trooper and jumped right in to help with each mess ❤️

Once I was home with my toddler napping in my arms and smelling of vomit, I couldn’t help but kind of laugh to myself that this is what I had dreamed about for years. When struggling to conceive and then, adopt, I daydreamed about sleepless nights with a newborn, bath time, teaching a child to read and write, etc. But, I also daydreamed about explosive diarrhea, projectile vomiting, and potty training, etc. We imagined the GOOD and the BAD. After all, they go hand in hand with parenting as well as life. But, it’s what you make of it.

Are we tired? Yup. Are we sad that our daughter is sick? Yup. Are we glad that we are the ones who get to soothe and care for her? You, bet!

And, we hope to do it again with another baby next year thanks to our amazing donors and fertility doctor. Time is both passing slowly and quickly, but we are excited to (hopefully) make a baby.

Mother’s Day…

Well, I spent Mother’s Day as sick as a dog while doing my best to care for Emma since Chris worked. I may have bribed her with cookies and cartoons. But, a mama has got to do what a mama has got to do. Hey, we both survived!

My mind has been mostly on Emma’s birth mother today. She made me a mother, and I’m so grateful for her. Emma brightens our days even if we are sick and just want a n-a-p. I’m so honored to be her mother, and her first mama will always be honored in our home.

Are you going to adopt again? (Part 2)

If you haven’t read Part 1, click here and then come back over to read Part 2. Otherwise, you might be a little lost.

As I mentioned in my last post, we have a lot of options to become parents, including:

Are you going to adopt again? (Part 1)

Oh boy! All those questions people ask when you have a baby. You’ve just had one, and they are asking if you’ll have another. I’m actually surprised how much we get this particular question, because we waited so long for our first. No joke; a nurse in the NICU